aku paham
by Filatipphia
Summary: I don't even know how crushed i'm at the moment. But i know that he has found his happiness. And that's not me. / Warning inside.


**Gintama © Sorachi Hideaki | Gintoki Sakata & Sarutobi Ayame/Sacchan | I take no material profits from writing this fanfiction.**

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 **Warning: this story is unbetaed. Sorry for my bad grammar.**

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I was never ever think that i'm worth it and good enough to Gin- _san_ -eventhough i still hope that i will be, someday-. Nope. With all my fucking bad habits, -include stalking and doing such thing that's annoyed- i realized that he won't look at me at all, except just assume me as a lil' shit who's ruin his day.

He even always pushed me away whenever i'm around him. Though that was made me excited due to my M side but sometimes i felt like my heart is broken again and again. Anyhow, it's hurt. No matter how masochist i'm, i still could feel the pain. Especially of my feelings. I'm a woman either, you know.

But i can do nothing. Because to me, away from him is even more painful than all the harsh treatment I have ever received. So i just continue my rutinity to stalking him everyday.

Feeling in a way like this... No, there's nothing wrong actually. If yes, it myself that should be blame. Cause everything is, sadly to declare, are my mistakes.

And then, i met that shitty woman. In those day with the blue skies above my head but cloudy in my soul. I looked at her with narrowed eyes. It just my first sight but the hatred started to grown on me.

I hate to admit it but yeah, she was pretty. Even if her face full of scars, but that doesn't affects her beauty at all.

Damn it she was a ninja like me but how can she looks so awesome? She was fragile like an antics porcelain also strong at the same time. Not like me who was freak. She was graceful. _Graceful but deadly and dangerous._

She was a moon. And i were monkey. There's a huge different between us. I knew. I see. I got it.

Deep inside, i felt jealous. This is ironic. I even got to know Gintoki much longer. But with her new presence for only a moment, she could stole all his attention. From me.

Okay okay, i knew it. I really knew it. Gin- _san_ was never noticed me.

Although i really understood about that, i still couldn't control my own feeling yet. I was sad. I was broken. I'm not like me at that time. It felts like i wanna beat her until she can't breathe anymore.

That was happened in a different day while i just finished from my assassin job. I'm so tired that i can't standing firmly. I'm walking slowly at the alley way near his place. By holding on to the wall, i tried my best to withstand the pain of my legs.

My head is blooded and i felt dizzy like everything is spinning. My face looks so pale, I guess. I blinked my eyes to felt better.

I'm so grateful to God that i can still go home safely.

A few meters in front of me, i saw them. Hugging tightened each other. That scenes was make me took a step back. But I didn't run or dodge. I stayed there, hiding in the dark shadow at the corner of the street.

I was never ever ever expected this to happened. Never. But it does. It happens.

I didn't know was Gin- _san_ realized my presence or not, but i can't control my tears falling from my eyes when i watched this. I growled but can't do anything. I can only be silent like a fool and tried to hold my sobs.

The night breeze I used to feel for some reason this time seemed more stabbing than usual. The air had gotten colden now. That was makes me shivering but couldn't make me clear all my feelings.

The burden on my chest was getting heavier all the time. My eyes were blurred by tears and my glasses were dewy. I clenched my fist tightly. Trying to hold back all the burning emotions.

It was hurt, really. It hurts until i can't feel anything anymore. I became so numb.

Gintoki never treated me as gently as that. All he ever did was refused me and sent me away. But look, he could be so sweet like sugar to a girl that was not me.

He looks different now. This is the other side he never showed me, which i didn't know that he had.

How funny is this. Whatsoever i do, it won't make him could love me back as much as i loved him.

All I can do now is self-awareness. That i'm not good enough and i will never be good enough.

So sad. Poor me.

"Stay with me, Tsukuyo. I will protect you with everything i have," he said, his voice very soft but my ear still could catch that. His hands were wiped her hair.

That was... The worst words i have ever heard that i wish it would never came out from his mouth.

For a few seconds, Tsukuyo didn't reply but she releasing their cuddle only to looking into his eyes, searching for seriousness in there. Then she rubbed his cheek softly with her fingertips.

Welp, i'm done. I can't resist it no more. I wouldn't hear her reply until whenever. So i turned and walk away.

When the time will come for me to surrender, then i'm sure it's now. A weak smile is imprinted on my lips.

The world is never fair.

I got to know you first, but the one who standing by your side is not me.

I'm always pay attention to you, but she's the only one you care about.

I've been around you for a long long time, but you never thought I was there.

Oh, Gin-san. You're very mean. The dumbass bastard man. I hate you. I love you. I hate that i fucking love you.

I don't even know how crushed i'm at the moment. But i know that he has found his happiness. And that's not me.

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 _i understand  
that she's prettier  
she's funnier  
she's better  
at everything_

 _and i was going to say  
that i'd be better  
at loving you  
but honestly  
she'd probably  
be better at that too_

 _now i understand  
why you chose her  
and not me_

 _m.m_

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 **Fin**

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A/N: omfg this is the first time i'm writing a story in english:( i fucking love this pairing. No matter how underrated they are, i will ship them 'til the end. Anyway, review very appreciated. So probably i could be better from all your suggest:)

P. S: I found the quote from google but i don't know who wrote it. Under the excerpt there are only m.m initials, so i re-write it according to what i found. I didn't changed it at all.


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